On parent communication

It's overwhelming. The amount of resources and ideas teachers and administrators have come up with to respond to this crisis of education is jaw dropping. It is also awe inspiring and makes me proud of those in our profession who join in with other tireless care givers in essential work during this time.

At the beginning of this, like others, I was scouring the web for resources to share with parents of all the wonderful offerings online that were being advertised. Shortly afterwards though, I realized that I was becoming a part of the overwhelm. By filling emails with links and ideas, I was robbing parents of the opportunity to actually listen to their own parenting instincts, to delve into their own family culture and craft their own routines and family rhythms. Giving them the space to figure out what they wanted to do with this time suddenly seemed wiser than clogging their emails with suggestions.

There are wide ranging school responses to the crisis at the Primary level, from sending weekly packets of worksheets, to making sets of rotating classroom materials that get passed from home to home weekly, to video lessons for parents on how to present materials, to video lessons for children, checklists, and all manner of school interventions in the home. 

Many of these options seem to respond to the idea that we must fill children's time at home with educational things to do. It almost sounds to me like a variation of the mistaken notion that we have to fill children's heads with knowledge, that adults have to drive children's learning and decide the curriculum. However, the basis of Montessori education is to follow the child. We know children are not blank slates. We know they want to learn. We know that what they need are environments conducive to learning so that they can do the learning. So before deciding on any course of action it may be worth thinking of the foundations of Montessori. 

Perhaps what is needed as a response to the school closures has more to do with helping parents create the conditions for learning in their homes as best as they can, given their resources and particular circumstances. I think our work may be to aid parents in understanding the development of children as nature intends it within their own home culture.

Let's have conversations with parents about enriching environments, about independence, about protecting concentration, about freedom within limits and how to set clear boundaries and expectations of behavior and natural consequences. Let's talk about the value of play in learning, and about routines and order, about how we talk, listen, and relate to children so that our relationships are respectful and harmonious. All these conversations not to train parents to become teachers, but to help parents be better parents because home life is the curriculum right now. We have a chance to not just to bluntly invade their homes, but rather to gently help shape family life so that it responds better to the needs of children. How about starting from the idea that education begins with how you are relating to your child from moment to moment.

I'm more comfortable with the direction our school communications are taking and have more clarity about our role as Montessori educators in this crucial time. It only took four weeks of clogging parent emails, let's see if we can move forward together now.

School Sessions

Upon mandatory school closures we decided to offer daily school sessions for our one room Primary School. Trying to base our sessions on Montessori theory and child development here's what we came up with.

Our Daily School Sessions

We decided to offer our sessions on Zoom because it is free, accessible to parents on most devices, has an easy interface and was recommended by teachers who had already been using it for remote learning. We chose it and decided to stick to it because we didn't want to overwhelm parents with too many things. Google classroom, Class Dojo, and many other great resources out there seemed a bit overwhelming and perhaps too much to ask parents to also have to learn to manage.

Daily sessions, offered live, five times a week give children the opportunity to see their teacher and classmates every day. I figured this was the most conducive way to giving a sense of daily connection. Our sessions are 45 minutes long, which is short enough to keep our youngest ones engaged, and long enough to keep our oldest ones wanting more. It's basically a whole group meeting, with roughly 20 out of our 24 children attending give or take a few. 

I looked at the children's sensitive periods and developmental needs when figuring out what to offer. I wanted what we chose to be founded on the principles of Montessori and child development, not just a knee jerk reaction to the stress of having to come up with 'something'.

What are we supporting?

Our main focus has been to support the social emotional development of the children. This is a chaotic and possibly traumatic time, families are experiencing momentous change. We want to be a balsam to the children. We are offering a moment of connection and fun that touches on what is familiar, safe and comfortable for them. The emphasis of our session is social, so that they can stay connected to their school and to their community. This part has to come first, before any learning can occur.

The sense of order that is so strong in children ages 3-6 is triggered with all this change. By offering a consistent program, at the same hour each day, that follows the same format, whose elements are familiar and include lots of repetition we aid their sense of order.

Movement is a key element of the sessions and part of why a live session works best. You can give real time feedback. Children are interested and learn well when their need for movement is supported.

It is easy to fulfill the need for language during the session. There is opportunity to have exchanges with each other, for the children to talk to their friends too, but also for integrating lots of new vocabulary with different elements involved.

Thinking of the children's sensitive period for sensorial impressions it seemed logical to include the many games we play in the classroom related to the sensorial area.

The development of mathematical thinking is aided by incorporating collective math games with the children live onscreen. The same games we would play in the classroom we bring online.

Below I've listed the elements that comprise a session, I don't do all of them every day but the ones with asterisk are the ones that I do daily. The rest I mix and match each day depending on what seems relevant to the day.

Elements of the school sessions

*Arrival

Just like when they arrive at school and I'm waiting at the gate to greet them and have a short exchange with each one, ten minutes prior to the official beginning of the session I am onscreen to greet each child individually and have a brief exchange. I do this by muting all upon entry and unmuting the children invididually as they arrive (and muting them back after our brief chat). I make sure I acknowledge each one.

Clock

I am usually holding a large clock during this arrival period that shows ten minutes to 9 so they can visually see how much longer before we start the session.

*Introduction

As soon as it is 9 o'clock I begin the session by singing a Good Morning song. Usually I sing the same one every day and improvise something about each child as I say their name. This keeps them interested even when they've heard the song a million times.

I count the children that are present as I hold up number cards and always ask one of the children to tell us the total of children while I hold up the last number card. Integration of teen numbers of numbers beyond 20 is happening.

Sometimes I play an introduction game with all of them at once such as the “What are you wearing” song with or without variations such as using sandpaper letters for first letter of their name or sandpaper numbers for their age, "If you're happy and you know it" song, or I show cards with their names written on them and they have to do something when they see their card, etc.

Calendar

I don't do it every day but on Mondays and Fridays or if there is a special event coming up I'll bring over our paper calendar and mark it. We introduce the calendar by singing the Days of the Week Song, or the Months of the Year song.

*Breathing Exercise

Before continuing I pause and we do a breathing exercise such as the 5 breath (counting up to five with fingers on the inhale and subtracting the fingers on the exhale), Faucet Breath (when you put your hands out in front of you and inhale to “fill up the faucet” and exhale by running the water with a woosh sound, Starfish breath (extend out arms and legs for inhale, relax on the exhale), etc. There are lots of fun breathing techniques. We also sometimes do some shoulder rolls, head rolls, spine twists, or arm stretches to relax before we begin the other things.

Message or News

If I saw something positive in the news, or if something happened to me or a member of the community we talk about this. I use this time also to introduce things that are happening around us such as "What face masks are and how they are used", "What is Shelter In Place", "What is curfew", "Why can't I visit my grandma?", etc. It's sort of a touching base with what is happening around us at the moment. I try to keep this visual too by adding photos (on Zoom you can share your screen if you have photos that you want the children to see).

Special Guest

I've had special guests, like my mom from Costa Rica, read to the children on Fridays. I've brought my pets to the sessions to greet the children. There are LOTS of fun possibilities with that.

*Book Reading OR True Story

I read a book or tell a true story every day. We use this as a platform to talk about feelings. We talk about the feelings of the characters in the book and how they may associate to what children may be feeling at home at the moment.

Grace and Courtesy

I try to tie in the Grace and Courtesy lessons to the feelings we talked about. Ways of expressing anger, fear, frustration are things we practice often.

Art lesson and extensions

Sometimes I show and art lesson or extension such as how to draw something from the book we read, or a craft they can do at home. I also have our assistants from home video tape themselves making recipes of things children can make at home such as moon sand, slime, etc, and include those in the session (through Screen Share on Zoom).

Something from Nature

I will share something I found outside or at my home or a photo of something amazing from nature and tell a short story about it and initiate a short conversation.

*GAME!

By this point the children have been sitting for as long as I think they can really manage easily. So I make sure to start the game at this point. There are so many great collective games we play in the classroom and these work really well with the children at home too. This is many children's favorite moment of the session. It's kind of like scavenger hunting in your home.

Sensorial Matching games: finding objects in the environment by color, color gradation, size, shape, material they are made of, temperature, taste, etc.

Language Matching games: “bring me” objects in classification from home (objects from the bathroom, kitchen, for baking, for setting a table, from a bedroom, from a living room etc)

Math collective games: from our training the Memory Game of Numbers (everyone gets the same number), Counting Game, Zero Game, or games where I ask them to show me amounts on their fingers.

Controlled Movement

We do controlled movement games too such as Songs with Movements or Fingerplays, Dancing with coreographed steps, Yoga, Plain old exercises (jumping jacks, pushups, squats etc), and on Fridays when it's the end of the week we play the children's favorite game Freeze Dance (I've discovered it is very fun to play this online).

*Surprise Friend

Surprise friend is when I split the whole group randomly into pairs or groups of three and send them into Breakout Rooms. This is really easy to do on Zoom. Children can choose to join or not depending on whether they are comfortable or not with it. Then they get to have a little one on one or small group time with a few friends. They never know who they are going to get so there's a surprise element to it. I thought this would be the highlight of Every Child's session, but some children find it too intimidating and they choose to stay with me in the “main room” where we are all unmuted and have a more relaxed conversation. I allow about five minutes for these visits. I sometimes ask them to bring something as a prop to show to their surprise friend that helps them think of things to say to each other. As the weeks have progressed children have gotten much more comfortable with this element.

Practical Life Lesson

Just like I would do at school, I give a practical life lesson of something they can do that will be helpful at home. Lessons such as how to set a table, how to clear a table, how to put toys away before you choose something else to do, how to ask someone to help you pick up, how make yourself a snack, how to clean a spill at home, etc. The lessons are meant to be relevant to the children's home life and hopefully helpful to the parents. I ask parents to let me know if they need help with anything specific at home that I can give a lesson on. The lessons also give the expectation to children that they should help with these things at home.

Kindness Job

This is what I consider the children's “homework” each day. It may be something as simple as remembering to say “thank you” when given something, or to clean up their toys at the end of the day, or to give thumbs up to policemen when they drive by, or to thank their grocers for their service during this time. It's basically acts of kindness.

Silence Game

I like to often end the sessions with a minute of mindfulness. We sit in silence while a timer ticks the minute off, or we do mindful listening of a bell, or of sounds around you, or we play the silence game from home so the children all close their eyes and open them when I whisper their name. It's a good way to end the session, with a calm moment.

*Group Goodbye

I have a goodbye song that I sing every day to mark the end of the session before I unmute everyone and we wave and say bye to each other in a big chaotic celebration.

I do have to mention that I live a 10 minutes walk away from our school, so I can walk over every day and do the sessions from the classroom which allows me access to our materials which is really helpful. On days when we've had more severe restrictions I've done my lessons from home and that has worked well too.

This is our main offering for parents at the moment, but we also send an individualized work plan (checklist) of things that the older children can do each week that are more academically inclined.

I write a large newsletter each week to parents on Mondays (more on that on another post) which intends to bring Montessori and better understanding of children's development to the home culture. On Friday afternoons I compile the photos parents sent me during the week of their children doing all sorts of different things at home and share it with our whole community as a way for them to be inspired by each other.

There is a kind side to all this, I've certainly been learning a lot in the process of coming up with solutions to the remote emergency learning situation. We are currently being shaped by the changes in our environment, I look forward to seeing what long term benefits come from this time.

Supporting Parents of 3-6 Year Olds During School Closures

(The above is possibly a fake quote, nonetheless a good one for the times.)

From our school newsletter to parents:

With the week ahead of school closed and a feeling of uncertainty for how things will evolve it's a great time to think about ways of structuring extended home time for children. There will of course be many variables at play, how much support you have, whether you will be working from home as well, whether the children will be in the care of a grandparent or other care giver, and your home environment will also play a role in what you can offer.

There is a difference between social distancing and quarantine and while most of us at this moment are engaging in simply keeping safe distances from others, avoiding crowded public spaces and being mindful of what we touch, there is a possibility that as the virus spreads more of us will have to experience self-quarantine at home. Here are some suggestions that might be helpful in keeping yourself and your children sane during these unusual times.

Routine! Routine! Routine!

Children, as you all know, love routine and thrive when there is order. Keeping a routine at home even during school closures will be helpful for the children in maintaining a sense of order and a more balanced emotional state. Especially bedtimes! It can be tempting to throw bedtimes out the window once children don't have to go to school, but that early bedtime routine is your best friend for having a happy and relaxed child, plus it ensures some hours all to yourself in the evening. Other routines to keep in place: mealtimes (at the same predictable hour), and key moments of the day (going out to play somewhere), quiet time, and screen time if it will be allowed. Routine gives both you and your child a sense of control over the day, which is a necessary feeling as things around us change.

Family Meeting

Whenever you are implementing any significant change at home it's important to sit down with the children and explain it clearly and in detail. A family meeting regarding next week, explaining how things will be different so that children can visualize and prepare for the change, making a visual chart for the new routine or marking the calendar, and especially if you already do it Going Over the Home Rules. These are all parts of preventative discipline, where you are preparing your child for what is coming up ahead to the degree that is possible so that they are not dealing with the stress of surprises later.

Play and Movement

We are dealing with children ages 3-6 and what they are wired to do is play and move. I have been seeing a lot of resources and suggestions for parents out there regarding doing a sort of home schooling these coming days which may be appropriate for elementary aged children who are missing school days and can sit and focus on academic homework, but for the young ones a mix of practical work at home, play, and play outdoors supplemented with a few enrichment activities (if you and your child want to do them) is fine. Going to for swims, walks, to play outside, bike riding, can all be a part of their days.

Quiet time

Having a time of the day that's explicitly dedicated to quiet time can be nice for everyone as well. A clock can mark visually when quiet time begins and ends. It's a time where everyone may play or be alone and quiet. Reading, playing quietly, looking at books, napping, listening to music, being outside, are things that children can do during quiet time. It cannot be imposed suddenly on the children, but can be a part of the meeting about how the new routine will go. Explaining what quiet time is and is not and your participation in it can make it successful.

Break out the games!

If you have board games, card games, or any other type of games that can be played as a family it's a great time to have them out and handy. A game time can be built into the day's routine. Games are one of the easiest ways for adults to engage in play with children.

Educational Activities

Cooking

Children love to be engaged in the real activities of the home. Food preparation is something they are used to doing at school and is one of their favorite activities. Giving the kitchen work to do like peeling a carrot or cucumber, mashing potatoes, spreading sandwiches, stirring or mixing in ingredients, chopping (older friends), cutting herbs with scissors, wiping mushrooms, are all kinds things they can do. Remember to give only as much as your child can be successful with. They won't be able to peel a pound of potatoes yet, but one or two should be enough.

Household Chores

It's a great time to implement some chores. A chore chart taped up onto the fridge can be helpful at the beginning to help them remember what their tasks will be. Depending on their age, things like setting the table, feeding pets, making their bed, pairing socks, folding their own clothes, washing dishes, unloading the dishwasher or washer are things they can do. You have to show them how to do it first, and show it slowly, and then do it together the first time to ensure they know how. After that, it can be an expectation and part of the daily routine.

Independent Play

Depending on what you have at home, open ended play can lead to extended moments of concentration in your children. That's what we aim for at school. You can support it by offering things such as Puzzles, Playdough, Arts and Crafts supplies, Building materials (lego, duplo, etc.) Set these up in a way that your child can access them easily and put them away on their own.

Sensorial Play

Sand and water, soapy water, mud, are all open ended sensorial experiences that are easy to access and can afford your child long periods of play. Buckets with water outside and some trucks and sand, different tools for making bubbles with soapy water, cups for pouring and scooping, etc. After all that play, a long dunk in a bathtub with toys in it, or filling up an inflatable pool in the garden (or bathroom), are irresistible to young children.

Reading Time

Reading books to your children or telling them stories is an amazing way to teach skills, build concentration, experience a close loving time, and enjoy time together. A daily reading time cannot be recommended enough. The National Library is open and available for you to stock up on children's books.

Singing and Music

A this drop box address I am adding a whole song bank of songs that we sing at school including the songs we had been preparing for the Sing Along for you to download for free. You can play them for your child to listen to and sing along to. Combine them with instruments (if you have them)!

Enrichement Activity Resources

If you and your child want to do supplemental educational activities at home, I am adding some of our classroom worksheets (that the children are familiar with) at this dropbox address for you to download for free. They include:

Cursive Handwriting practice sheets, Number making practice sheets, Flag coloring sheets, Writing numbers to 20, Writing numbers to 100, Writing numbers to 200, Phonetic reading lists, Phonogram reading lists, Sight word practice lists, Addition and Subtraction Flash cards that you can print and cut.

If you have workbooks or other written kinds of enrichment activities, it's a good time to bring them out otherwise there's lots of kinds of sheets you can download online for free.

There are also a number of education companies offering free subscription to their services due to worldwide school closings. Here is a compendium of them:

http://www.amazingeducationalresources.com/

Many schools use Raz-Kids for online reading games and book reading practice. Their reading program starts at the Kindergarten level. If your child can read phonetically it would be an appropriate resource as well, their free trial is a week long.

Face Time or Calling Family members

It's a great time to reach out to family members who may be experiencing increased levels of anxiety or isolation. It is always nice for grandparents or others to see or hear the children. Take some time each day to reach out to friends and family who'd love to see you!

I am inspired by the collective worldwide efforts I've seen to support and help one another during this momentous world crisis. Make sure to point out to your children all the positive and helpful things people out there are doing. Firstly, all those on the medical front lines around the world, but even my meditation podcast author, Sam Harris, is offering his wonderful meditation app (Waking Up) for free to anyone in financial (and psychological) need.

Stay safe and healthy everyone.

Susanne

Dealing with Children's Big Emotions

A few weeks ago a friend sent me this video from Facebook and tagged me on it saying: “You need to see this. This is black belt level parenting”. The video (below) portrays a father who calmly keeps safe his two year old daughter who is caught in a 20 minute full blown meltdown. The video, I thought could be used as an example for understanding the difference between the child's feelings (distress, anger, frustration, tiredness, sadness) and her behavior (yelling, kicking, stomping, slamming and eventually hugging and cuddling). She moves herself, with a little help from her father, through the storm and back into control and calmness. It is astounding that throughout the whole ordeal the father does not speak one word to the child.

                                 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_fuTEzxOnk#action=share

It brought to mind the many conversations with parents I had during our recent parent conferences where they shared struggles with me about helping their children through big emotions and tough behavior situations.

Children and their Feelings

Children are not miniature adults. And to demonstrate that point, one does not have to look far on the Internet:

(from a slide show called REASONS WHY YOUNG CHILDREN CRY)

One of the key differences between adults and children is that children have not yet developed emotional regulation. They are not yet able to easily manage emotions to reflect a situation at hand, to calm themselves when they angry, to handle frustration without big outbursts, or to resist having highly emotional reactions to things that upset them. It's not easy for them to deal with change. Never mind children, how many adults rate well on this emotional regulation scale.

And out of all skills that one could pick like a fairy for one's child, wouldn't this be a great one to choose. Emotional regulation is what allows us to function in a community, to maintain close relationships, to work towards goals, delay gratification and deal with the unpredictability of life. It is considered to be one of the main predictors for a happy, healthy and successful life.

One of the ways children learn is is by being allowed to feel their feelings without censure, or threats, or distractions. Practicing moving themselves through emotion and to see that the feelings are impermanent helps outbursts become less frequent and gradually less intense. It is a skill they have to learn as they move towards emotional health.

By the time they are spending their mornings at school, children have come some way in their emotional regulation development. A five year old is typically better equipped to handle frustration than a two year old.

There are many elements in the Montessori environment that support this development. The “snack waiting chair” for example, is a place where one child may sit and wait for the two other children sitting at the snack table to finish eating and have their turn next. Waiting for someone to finish eating so that you can go next (waiting for your turn) without an adult there to police you builds emotional regulation. The fact that there is only one of each material in the classroom also makes it so that if you want a turn with a material but someone else has it, you must wait. The “Silence Rug” for sitting one minute in stillness is another example. When a child wants to say something to a guide, they are taught to come and place their hand on her shoulder and wait for acknowledgement (often the guides are busy helping other children). The calm atmosphere of the classroom, devoid of stress and threat helps as well.

The adults in the environment observe children and can tailor lessons to help with managing feelings (giving specific words that you can say when you are angry about something for example). The are patient with children's feelings, acknowledging them out loud and without a need to fix or change them. The routines in the environment also help children by giving them a sense each day of control over how the day unfolds.

While the children are at school practicing all these things that are meant to help them develop regulation, their tiny battery of it is slowly depleting. By the time they get home after school it is often there that children let loose and present challenges for the parents or caregivers. After school restraint is a very real thing. Which means parents and caregivers have a wonderful opportunity to help their children with their developing emotional regulation.

Understanding can lead to love, and this case, understanding what may trigger the big meltdowns in children can give you a better sense of why the ugly mess is occurring and hopefully help you not to take the meltdowns personally.

Common triggers that may set off big feelings:

• Basic Needs Not Met
  Is your child tired? Hungry? Feeling unsafe?
• Order-Routine- Transitions
  Has there been an unexpected change to the routine?
  Has their sense of order been triggered?
  Is it a moment of transition (transitions are notoriously hard for little ones)
• Over stimulation/ Excitement stress
  Is there too much going on?
  Is too much expected of the child?
  Is there too much novelty and excitement in the environment?
• Disconnect
  Are they needing a moment of connected attention with you?
• Too much Screen time
  Screen time is known to affect the self control centers of the brain as it often stimulates the brain's addiction centers (opposite of delayed gratification)

• Toxic Stress
  In cases where the child has been subjected by too much constant stress, there is a chance that the brain becomes dis-regulated and cannot help itself out of the “fight or flight” response.

The bottom line is that children have feelings. In fact it's normal, healthy and expected that they have big feelings. Sometimes we can determine the cause of their feelings. It's important that they be allowed to feel their feelings because this can lead them to learn to self regulate.

And importantly, feelings are not misbehavior. Children's emotional responses are not something they are doing on purpose to annoy their parents. Their feelings are not something they are doing to their parents at all.

Their emotional response is not something they are doing TO YOU, IT'S NOT ON PURPOSE, IT'S NOT to annoy you, their feelings are not misbehavior.

The Adult's Role regarding Children's Feelings

Can you remember how your parents dealt with your expressions of emotion when you were a child? What would happen when you cried? When you were angry? When you were disappointed? When you were overly excited? Try to distinguish between their reaction to your feelings, and not their reaction to your behaviors (what you did about your feelings).

And now pivot to think about your own current strategies for dealing with your child's feelings. How do you handle their anger, sadness, joy or disappointment? Do you distract them? (“Look over here! Peppa Pig is on TV!”). Do you censor them? (“None of that crying now!”). Ignore them? Threaten them? (“If you don't stop crying right now I'm going to...”)

Often, our comfort with our children's feelings may have come from how comfortable our parents were with our own displays of emotion.

However, you are the adult in the relationship now. You have developed emotional regulation and there is a lot you can do to help your child develop this valuable skill.

Meeting their needs in the Short Term

Being a calm and steady physical presence, without talking, lecturing, or scolding communicates to your child that you are in control. The mirror neurons in your child's brain (that make them so readily imitate behaviors they see) see your calm presence and it helps bridge the gap of their development. During the storm is not the time to try to teach anything to your child. They are not in brain state able to learn just yet.

You can keep them safe, by staying close to them, and others safe from them which can sometimes even mean physically removing your child to a safe location.

When you can do these things you convey to your child the message that feelings are OK, that you accept their feelings and that you are there for them for when they're ready. (Even though internally you might want to just run away).

When you can be the calm and steady physical presence your message is : Feelings are healthy. I accept your feelings. I'm here for you when you're ready. (Even though the very thing you want is to get away from them as fast as you can). You make it safe for your child to have feelings and move through them.

Big emotions are stressful situations for adults and children. Escalating the situation by yelling or scolding may make things worse for you and your child. Managing your own emotions so that your child can regain control is one of the most difficult things an adult can do. It's worth trying, since it only helps matters when you can.

Accepting their feelings means you don't need to change them. Disappointment, sadness, anger, they are all OK to feel. On the same token, you don't need to give in to their demands, or reward them or punish them for how they are feeling. If you have set a limit and your child is having a meltdown because of what you have said, you don't need to go back on your word, they can have their feelings and the limit can still be clear and set.

Acceptance of feelings is not the same thing as acceptance of behavior though, and we will touch on the topic of behavior later on.

What does all this sound like in the midst of the highly charged moment:

“It's OK to be mad. Sometimes I get mad too.”

“You look disappointed. It's hard when you don't get what you want.”

“Wow, you're so mad you're saying some really awful things. I'm going to be here when you feel better.”

“I couldn't let you do what you wanted. That's hard for you.”

“I'm here for you when you're ready.”

Meeting their needs in the Long Term

What we are aiming at here is a well developed emotional regulation in your child. Don't worry that children don't listen to you, worry that they are always watching you. You are their model for healthy emotional responses. How you respond to the stress in your life is the best teacher for your child.

Showing your feelings in a healthy way is an enormous gift to give your child. Just as their expressions of emotion are OK, so are your feelings. Your sadness, your overwhelm, your excitement, your disappointment, your anger, they are all OK as long as you are expressing them in a healthy way.

Talking about your feelings in your day to day conversations, noticing other's feelings and the possible causes for them, noticing the feelings of characters when you read books all bring light to the language of feelings and the message to children that feelings are normal and OK to experience.

Children have situations that trigger them, if you know them ahead of time you can help them prepare: “We are about to go into the grocery store, it might take a long time, if you feel tired you can sit in the cart and eat a banana”. Adults have emotional triggers too: take a few minutes and see if you can think of some of the common things that trigger your biggest emotions. For me, in the classroom it's damage of materials. It's like going from zero to one hundred on an emotional scale, it makes me nuts. I can now recognize that, so before I intervene in a situation of materials being damaged I take a breath and recognize I'm being triggered. I may even say to myself, “it's just a material and can be fixed”. Sometimes just being aware that you are triggered will bring change, even if you do nothing else.

You cannot be the calm steady presence for your child if you are in survival mode. Self care has nothing to do with being selfish. The work on yourself is very important. It means you get the rest, exercise, nutrition and attention to yourself that you need so that you can be there for your child when they need you. Sometimes it means lowering the bar on standards so that you can remain sane and in control. This work takes a lot of patience and it does not really help us get better if we are constantly criticizing ourselves. Celebrate and acknowledge the small successes. If you have a partner or a care giver, self care also means tag teaming and communicating with each other so you can give the best of yourselves.

Figuring out what are calming strategies for you, whether they be doing some mindful breathing, listening to music, or going for a walk are also important and model for your child what you would eventually want them to be able to do too.

The part about Discipline

The second part of developing emotional regulation has to do with what to do with out of control behavior. This is the part where teaching is involved. The best time to do this part is either after the storm has passed, when your child is ready to use their learning brain, or before in anticipation or preparation if you know there is upcoming stimulus that might be triggering for your child.

Setting limits with your calm and steady presence means you are comfortable with your role as parent when you say: “I can't let you...”. It may mean your child will have to remain by your side for a while, or that you may have to remove them from a place or situation. It may mean you might have to take something away (that might get damaged, or an object which is causing the issue.)

Logical consequences are outcomes that make sense given a situation. For a child that cannot come to their parents at the gate when it's time leave the school may have to wait on a bench close to the gate and not play until their parent arrives (“You are showing me that it's too hard for you to come to the gate while you play so today you can sit here and watch the play instead until your parent picks you up.”) It may mean losing the opportunity to use an electronic equipment (“We made an agreement that you would watch it 30 minutes but you didn't turn it off, so today you may not use it.”) Logical consequences means they have something directly to do with what has happened. A child who hits another child during play may be showing you that he is not yet ready to play or may need you to stay close to prevent it from happening again. Making a prior agreement about the expectation for your child really helps when you have to implement the consequence. It's powerful when you can say “We agreed...”

Children don't always understand what is expected of them in a given situation. If you practice a desired behavior prior to the event, it may help them understand it better. They love pretend play, and practicing behavior out of context is like a game for them. Many are more likely to do what they practiced with you, plus they associate a positive feeling (the feeling of having pretend played with you) with the action. “Let's practice what to do when we cross the street.” “Let's pretend I am a child at school who does something to you that you don't like.” “I'm going to show you what to do when we go into the dog shelter.”

Young children think in pictures, and often, telling them a story with a purpose in mind may be helpful for teaching them positive behavior. “I'm going to tell you a story about a girl who would not hold her mommy's hand when she crossed the street.” “Instead of reading you a book tonight, I'm going to tell you a story of when someone took a toy from my house without asking.” You can get very creative and your child may ask you to tell the story over and over. Cautionary tales have existed for hundreds of years for a reason, they work.

Giving them feedback on recurring issues can be helpful too. Whether things are going better or not, taking some time to review something you've been working on with your child sends a message that things can be in process and you can work on them to improve. “I noticed that today when your sister took something from you without asking you stayed calm, that's so difficult and you did it so well!”

Finally, having realistic expectations of young children can ease some of your tension regarding difficult situations with your children. They are three or four or five years new. They are very much in process and your love and support, evident even in your just reading this till the end, is the most powerful thing you can give.

From a parent night delivered on Friday, February 28th at Beautiful Sun Montessori School.

You Know the Rules

This year we tried something different when it came time to discussing the rules. After reading Teacher Tom's First Book, I was inspired to try his way of introducing the rules this year. I tacked two big pieces of paper over our big chalkboard on the first day of school and waited for a couple of days and a few incidents to occur before we sat down in group conversation to talk about what rules are ("we are going to make an agreement") why we should have them ("so that we can all feel safe and happy here"). Then we opened up the discussion for everyone to pitch rules they could come up with and discussed together whether or not we should agree to them (and write them on our big paper) or not.

The first thing that was different about this approach was that I was transcribing the rules in their own words instead of positively phrasing their suggestions. I just wrote what they said, so on our board it read "no hitting" instead of "be gentle" which I confess felt strange to me and against my developmentally appropriate teacher talk.

It was a heated discussion. They had so many rules to suggest, many based on incidents where they had been wronged recently or far in past. "No scratching", "No pulling hair", "No biting", "No calling people 'baby'", I just transcribed and also added a small drawn icon that I felt would help them associate the picture with the rule since they can't all read yet.

We managed to fill one whole paper and moved onto the second one. The rules continue to emerge, it is not a static list. As incidents come up, we have the opportunity (with the open space on our rules list) to discuss whether something should be added. Recently, gun play came up in the playground and after talking about it decided: "No playing about shoot guns". "No bad words" came up recently as well. Although I sometimes suggest an idea, I try as best as I can not to give my opinion too strongly, since I believe that if the children author them, they are more likely to follow and respect the rules.

 


















I've discovered the benefits of keeping this ongoing list. As we add new rules, we review all the old ones, and the discussion about what we will and won't allow in our community stays relevant and fresh. Many times in these weeks I've heard children tell their friends, "No hitting, we have a rule about that!" Although reminders of the rules are part of our daily life together, it is easier to remind friends coming from a place of community understanding "Remember, we agreed, no games about hitting or kicking!" It certainly makes me feel less like a cop. The rules don't feel like they are MY rules but OUR rules, and that we can all enforce and follow them equally.

An environment for ACTUAL children

I was reading an article about a school somewhere recently that described their classroom as an environment for ACTUAL children. The phrase stuck with me as I was preparing our own environment for the start of this school year.

I really love setting up the classroom, but do recognize that I get caught up in a kind of Montessori interior decorating frenzy sometimes where I set things up to look beautiful and complete, sure, but perhaps not quite keeping in mind the actual children that will be coming to use those things. I am guilty of adding the too precious objects that will really hurt me when they get dropped by accident, a material that is perhaps beautiful but not quite sturdy enough to handle real use, or an area that will invite a certain kind of use or number of children that no amount of grace and courtesy will be able to counter. I kept those words in my mind as I set up our room this year and did some things differently. Needless to say, the ostrich egg did not make it onto the shelf.

This is not to say that we cannot trust the children with precious and semi-sturdy things, but that in setting up and environment for independence (and personal sanity) considering what the first call of a material or area will be (especially during the first days with 9 new friends joining us), it's perhaps smarter to err on the side of reality, since it is 'actual children' that will be joining us.

Establishing Order

“Order is one of the needs of life which, when it is satisfied, produces a real happiness.”

Maria Montessori 


One of my favorite things of the first weeks in our Montessori classroom is the clear establishment of order. I think the idea that external order brings about internal order is by now well accepted and with all the Mary Kondo-ing that happens in my own home, I know as an adult how well I feel when my house is in good order. I hope that for the children coming to our environment it would feel the same.

The children of this age group are primed to respond to order. They crave routine, consistency, repetition, and being shown how to do things in a clear and organized way. They don't like surprise expectations, so we walk them slowly and carefully through the path that satisfies that need.

We start the year by stripping the shelves clear of anything unnecessary for the new children who arrive a full week before returning children. Parents of the new children are surprised at how little is available on the shelves these first days. Few things available makes it easier for the new children see what is available, where to put it away, and avoids the difficulty of having to choose from too much or something that you may not be ready for yet.


Our orientation week is structured simply and the same routine is followed each day. Our short day schedule is as follows:

Work outside
Work inside
Eat Lunch
Go Home

(Play being used interchangeably for the word "Work").

We focus on establishing relationships between the children and the adults, mentioning each other's name aloud often and facilitating collaborations among the children from the very beginning.

We give a plethora of initial grace and courtesy lessons. Each lesson demonstrated purposefully by the adult, practiced by a handful of children (repetition for the others to watch), and then hopefully acted out in real time in the classroom.

We show things like:
How to enter the classroom
How to wash your hands
How to use the bathroom
How to work at a table
How to work at a rug
How to roll and unroll rugs
How to walk around a rug
How to set up and clean up snack
How to set up and clean up lunch
How to observe a friend working

Aside from these lessons, I am watching for what else is needed to establish the social harmony and independence that will allow the new children to function well once the larger group returns. Whatever is missing becomes the curriculum for the next day.

Many of the materials available are basic exercises for developing independence in the classroom: Using a dustpan, Using a sponge, Using a mop, Using a broom, Spooning, Pouring, Dressing frames. Other materials are transitional toys to support the new children's ability to sustain concentration while choosing their own work for 2 hours (the length of their work period) such as Lego, building blocks, puzzles, and gives me time to observe and respond to the needs of the new children as I learn a little about who they are and what they can do.

The days go by smoothly, safely, predictably with an order that feels supported by the environment around us.

 

Taking Refuge

This summer I took a one day Vipassana course with some friends. At the opening of the course, as in all Vipassana courses, one 'takes refuge' and repeats the words "I take refuge in buddha, dharma, and sangha". Over the years I've come to appreciate a deeper meaning from this vow of resting in the qualities of enlightenment, in the law of nature, and in community.

During the weeks after the course, whenever I was prone to anxious thinking, comparing myself to others, feeling anger or unworthiness, I remembered this promise and could tell myself to return to calmness, clarity, emptiness, joy for others' successes and to love. When unwanted thing happened, I remembered all things are ultimately impermanent. I purposefully sought out the company of those who uplift and inspire me.

School begins again on Monday, and I'm keeping this refuge close at hand. Not as a protection or shield, but as a reminder of a way I can be.

Mary Oliver – The Buddha’s Last Instruction

“Make of yourself a light”
said the Buddha,
before he died.
I think of this every morning
as the east begins
to tear off its many clouds
of darkness, to send up the first
signal-a white fan
streaked with pink and violet,
even green.
An old man, he lay down
between two sala trees,
and he might have said anything,
knowing it was his final hour.
The light burns upward,
it thickens and settles over the fields.
Around him, the villagers gathered
and stretched forward to listen.
Even before the sun itself
hangs, disattached, in the blue air,
I am touched everywhere
by its ocean of yellow waves.
No doubt he thought of everything
that had happened in his difficult life.
And then I feel the sun itself
as it blazes over the hills,
like a million flowers on fire-
clearly I’m not needed,
yet I feel myself turning
into something of inexplicable value.
Slowly, beneath the branches,
he raised his head.
He looked into the faces of that frightened crowd.

Children's Tree Nursery

Last year we started a "children's tree nursery", and at the very beginning of the school year had all the children collect tree seeds from trees around their neighborhood or wherever they could find them. We amassed a nice collection, looked at all the differences in each seed, talked about ways of propagating, and where these seeds had come from. Each child picked one and planted it a few weeks later. Our idea was that we would take care of these trees, repot them every year, and children would take their tree home as a graduation gift at the end of their three years with us.

It was a great idea in theory. However, the plants grew so quickly that by the end of just six months, most of the plants were begging to be repotted in larger containers and stood taller than many of the children. On Graduation Day we lined up the third year children's trees along the entrance of the school and they took their tree home (hopefully to be planted in their yard).

Clearly though, keeping the second and first year children's trees for one or two more years would have meant dealing with pretty enormous plants and I was afraid they would get pot sickness (if that is a thing, where plants don't grow anymore because they've been confined to a too tight container for too long).

I decided all those remaining plants would be donated to the school and have been planting them in our own garden while I thought of a better plan for this year.

Our Family Holiday Picnic is next week, and it's the first event that parents and children attend together at our school. On that day, families will plant a tree seed together with their children and decorate the plant pot together. We will take care of these trees in our tree nursery for the remainder of the year. On the Moving on Ceremony Day, the last family event of the year (and last day of school) we will line up ALL the trees and have the families take them home. Six month old trees will be perfect for planting at home and a lovely gift for everyone to take with them on that day. I think that involving the parents in the planting of the seeds will also give them an incentive to plant and care for the tree in its future home.

I like the closing of this circle and like thinking of 25 trees being planted every year around the island.

To teach inclusion,
include others.
To teach kindness,
be kind.
To teach caring,
be caring.

To teach how to work,
work?

During our beautiful afternoon work period, when we only have the second and third year children present, I notice that if I go about my usual routine of observing first, it takes a while for them all to get back to the rhythm of work (or indoor play, whatever you will to call it). I have been working instead. They come in and they find me working. I choose materials that I find fun, challenges with blindfolds, bells work, practical life. Some of the children notice right away. At the beginning they found it super funny, very large me at the tiny table knitting- "What are you doing?" they would ask me. "I'm working". If I needed to stop to give a reminder, or to help with something, I would, and then resume my work as I would have them do. The more I have been doing it, the more normal it has become. The ones that notice are sometimes influenced by my choice and want to try it too (especially if it's something that they have not seen another person try before). It seems logical to me. If I want them to work but they always see me in my chair observing or helping or giving lessons, I am not modeling any work as they know it. When it is possible, and there is nothing more pressing to do, I will then. I think I should have snack with them too, and drink tea in the afternoon at the snack table as well. That sounds fun to me.

This year more than any, there is a real lack of pressure on the children to work in any particular area of the classroom. Other years, I confess, I have pushed math  in particular, for fear that children moving on would not be "ready" for elementary (especially elementary Montessori, as if it was less forgiving than when they go to mainstream schools). Since I have seen the fallacy in that and removed all the pressure on the children, given them real free choice, I see a much more balanced environment arise. The children choose from all areas. Not everyone from all areas, but everything is getting used. When something is becoming too much of a comfort material, we take it away for a few days and see if it brings children to discover other things that had forgotten existed. We have less on the shelves than on other years, but what is there is really getting juiced.

I feel we are headed in a good direction.

Start again, with a calm and quiet mind.

 

Today I started for the 15th time what I do. Eight new children to meet on this first day that always begins with so many questions. "Who are you?" "What will you have to teach me?" "How will our time together be?"

I was able to sleep soundly last night, which to me is a sign of growing in experience and trust. In a podcast I listened to last night, the meditation teacher said "If I can control my mind, what need is there to control anything else?" I take comfort in knowing that the best preparation really is a clear presence. I have done this enough that I can give myself that kind of space, besides, I simply can't know what the children coming will be like or how they will respond to the day.

I like the idea that the first days with the new children are mostly a time to observe them, to gently meet them, and hopefully for them to sense that this place they have come to is a safe place to be who they are.

It's a celebration to start again. I am grateful to do what I do.

“The delicate and essential art of beginning again is a whole path to freedom.” -Sharon Salzberg